How to Do Your First Triathlon

Thanks to fellow triathletes in my local cycling club, the Seyboro Cyclists, I did my first triathlon in October. For the amusement of current triathletes and the encouragement of those thinking about doing their first triathlon, I decided to relate what I have learned about doing a first triathlon.

The process begins when you stand around in the parking lot after a Seyboro ride listening to the tall tales of the legends of the local triathlete scene. Enraptured with enthusiasm, you should then immediately sign up for your first triathlon, even though you really don't know how to swim well.

Next, you should get so busy in the other areas of your life that you can't find the time to ride with your fellow Seyboros, much less find the time to swim and run.  During the 2 weeks leading up to the event, you should taper...no, on second thought, you should not ride or run at all and you should swim as little as possible. Of course, this does not mean you should be getting to bed early - you will not experience the true challenge of the first triathlon if you are rested and if you are at peak fitness.

Make sure and choose for your first triathlon an event with a course that is completely different than the one that you spend the most time training on; for local Seyboros, that means a course in a neighborhood with nothing but short, steep hills and technical turns on the coldest day of the season - the day when all of the triathletes are standing in the water before the race so they can get warm because it feels better in the lake than being barefooted in the dew-covered grass. The day before the triathlon, you should eat things that you normally don't eat so that your GI tract is fully cooperative on the morning of the race so that you have to stop at an all-night gas station in the middle of nowhere to "empty out" rather than to "fill up"! The night before the race, you should stay out late because your daughter is performing flute in the halftime marching show, and you have to be on the field maneuvering all of the props because you insanely signed up to be in the band pit crew.

Set your alarm for 3:30 a.m. so that you can be up by 3:45 to drive to the site in Louisburg where you promptly get lost in the 60 miles of twisty, turny, hilly neighborhood roads around Lake Royale. Even though you manage to be one of the first participants to arrive at the registration table, make sure to leave your cleats and helmet in your truck at the parking lot which is 2&1/2 miles away by shuttle. Run down to the swim area to get ready to race and then realize as they are calling for the first group to begin the swim that you do not have a timing chip. Sprint up to the registration table to get the chip and make a mad dash back to the lake so you can start the swim with your heart rate already high.

Now comes the easy part of the day - you just have to survive the longest swim of your life, emerge breathless into frigid air, jump on your bike - after realizing that you left it in the big chain ring from your last Seyboro ride and you have a steep uphill start which means that you drop your chain as you are trying to downshift to make it up the hill, return to the transition area to make a quick pit stop in the Porta Johns to release all of the lake water you swallowed during the "swim", put your running shoes on but forget to check for loose change in your shoe so that you complete the run with a lucky penny massaging your toes, refuse to let the guy in your age group pass you on the hill without zooming past him in the last half-mile, which sucks so much oxygen from your brain that you forget to look at your time as you sprint past the finish line.

Make sure that you have to leave the ceremony before the times are announced so that you have no idea how you placed because you have to get to your daughter's band competition in Benson to fulfill your pit crew responsibilities so that the band will win 7 awards. Quickly check the parking lot for tourists before stripping naked to change clothes into your "pit crew" shirt and jeans (no showers allowed). Drive on roads that you have never seen before as you dine on a feast of bananas and water before safely arriving at West Johnson High School for the festivities. After lifting, pushing, pulling and otherwise bullying band equipment on and off the field of competition, spend the rest of the time in the stands on cold, hard aluminum bleachers in damp, cold air until almost 10:00 so that your entire body becomes one big Gordian knot!!! Arrive home after midnight to be awakened by your spouse's alarm clock no later than 7 a.m.

That, fellow athletes, is how to do your first triathlon! Who is ready to sign up?

I had a great time, and I will do many more!

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